I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
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She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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