i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
