i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
