One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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