atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
