you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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