I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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