I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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