I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
