yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
