When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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