yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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