My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
