...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
