My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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