My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
