need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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