well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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