we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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