his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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