I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
