M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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