He uses pillows to masturbate.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
