You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
