Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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