I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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