I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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