Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
