He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
