See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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