some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
