Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
