So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
