Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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