Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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