My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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