a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
