You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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