Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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