Can i not drive my cunt home
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
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