Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
