Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
