Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
