I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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