Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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