You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
