just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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