No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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