Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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