we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
