I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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