My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
