Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
