You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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