I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
