Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
