i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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