she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You're like the curious george of whores
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
