I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
