I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
