Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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